Review – Frientimacy


Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness
by Shasta Nelson
Seal Press, 2016
Review by Tijuana L. Canders
December 24, 2016

Shasta Nelson has made a career out of understanding, encouraging, and helping women make and maintain healthy friendships. In Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness, she breaks down what we seek in intimate friendships and how we can do our part to attain them.

Friends are important, and developing fulfilling friendships is important. Frientimacy is a “relationship where two people feel really seen in a way that feels satisfying and safe for both of them,” Nelson writes. It is the Platonic ideal of friendship that we carry in our hearts: the friend who is always glad to hear from us, always game for an outing, always listens with love and wisdom. We seek those friends with the wistful longing of preadolescent love, waiting for our own favorite girlfriend to stumble into our lives and sprinkle the fairy dust of frientimacy on us.

When no perfect friend appears, we find ourselves stuck with the imperfect cast of characters already in our lives, our disappointing gaggle of friends. The ones who don’t invite us out enough, who talk about themselves too much, who forget to ask about important events, with whom we struggle to develop anything more than friendly acquaintanceship.

But these are the people, Nelson writes, we should look to for frientimacy. She says, “Many women remain lonely because they think having close friends is a product of discovering the right people. But the truth is that meaning friendship is actually the product of developing the right friendships.” And Nelson goes on to say, “We don’t need better friends, we need better friendships.”

Drawing from her own life, interviews with other women, and research, Nelson explains and provides strategies for developing each side of the triangle, while providing a wake-up call to the ways we ourselves might be contributing to our own dissatisfaction with our friendships. For example, in the chapter on positivity, Nelson examines perceived imbalances of giving and receiving and finds there’s a good chance that if you consider yourself the giver in relationships, other people are thinking the same thing about themselves. You just both might see giving differently.

Part Three examines “Obstacles to Intimacy” — what blocks and errors we might make or encounter that negatively affect our friendships, such as fearing rejection, jealousy, walking away from friendships too soon, or holding ourselves back. Though she writes with compassion, Nelson pulls no punches, urging us to consider whether we are defensive, demanding, or ungenerous towards our friends’ humanity, labeling people “toxic” and walking away too easily.

Nelson admonishes, “Let’s freely acknowledge that we don’t always present to our friends the most enlightened, healthy, and happy versions of ourselves — nor do they. The trick is to judge less, observe more, and continue working on ourselves.”

In Frientimacy, Nelson provides not only a new prism through which to view our friendships and our place in them, but also exercises, concrete ideas, and “Friendspiration” for transforming unsatisfying friendships into something more fulfilling.


© 2016 Tijuana L. Canders


Review – Mamaleh Knows Best


Mamaleh Knows Best: What Jewish Mothers Do to Raise Successful, Creative, Empathetic, Independent Children
by Marjorie Ingall
Harmony Publishers, 2016
Review by Tijuana L. Canders
December 21, 2016

Marjorie Ingall blends personal experience, humor, historical texts, and scientific research, in Mamaleh Knows Best to dispel stereotypes regarding Jewish tradition, motherhood, and parenting. Ingall shares Jewish secrets for raising self-sufficient, ethical, and accomplished children. She offers abundant examples showing how Jewish mothers have nurtured their children’s independence, fostered discipline, urged a healthy distrust of authority, consciously cultivated geekiness and kindness, stressed education, and maintained a sense of humor.

Mamelah Knows Best is a 256 page hardcover book written with a strong voice, has an excellent mixture of history, personal anecdote, theology, pop culture, and common sense. It’s an absolute delight to read. You don’t have to have an ounce of jewishness in you to get something out of this book. as the author says, ‘Jewish motherhood is a philosophy, not an identity’! The lessons here are not religious in tone, but they emphasize the jewish values of community, family, reading, awareness of the world around you and your place in it, independence, good deeds without the expectation of praise, and just general integrity.

I loved this book! It’s solid, practical information: building a relationship with your child in discipline and community, the importance of asking questions rather than giving answers, actions over lip service and beliefs, reframing from the actions of helicopter parent, the too-easy-to-praise parent, and valuing the action of tikkun olam (altruism without a superiority attitude), all contribute to shaping children who are kind, independent, ethical, hardworking, creative, generous, and engaged in the world. Mamelah Knows Best is thought-provoking, and Ingall delivers her ideas in a witty, straightforward tone that’s never afraid to point out her own missteps or lend her sense of humor.

Mamaleh Knows Best is an excellent read for expecting parents and current parents who may be searching for a well balanced parenting method to raise children successfully.


© 2016 Tijuana L. Canders